Here is a humorous look at a groundhog’s failed attempt to deal with the sudden onslaught of social media on the day he wakes from a long winter’s slumber.
@groundhog was an ordinary groundhog.
He awoke one spring morning like most groundhogs do—in pitch blackness surrounded by dirt. Hearing faint noises above, he scurried to the top of his burrow.
The blinding sunlight forced him to squint and blink furiously, but he soon recognized the sound of human voices and realized that he was not alone.
@groundhog was completely surrounded by social media.
Instinctively, he ducked, mistaking the social group for angry famers. But no shots rang out. Soon his curiosity got the best of him. He resurfaced and looked around at the peculiar group.
“Well…,” a voice called out. “We haven’t heard from you all winter @groundhog.”
“My name is not @groundhog. It’s just groundhog.”
“We must call you @groundhog. That is how we connect with you,” tweeted an enthusiastic Twitterer. ” Without the @ sign, you don’t exist.”
“I do exist. You just found me. Who are you and what do you want?”
“We are your Twitter Followers,” yelled one.
“And your Facebook Fans,” said another.
“And your LinkedIn Colleagues,” added a third. “We are here to exchange knowledge, ideas, and opportunities.
“Oh,” said @groundhog, not quite sure what to say next. He did not consider himself to be all that social and the crowd was starting to annoy him.
“Well…” @socialmediaguru called out again.
“Well what?” said @groundhog.
“How are you going to engage, educate, and entertain us?”
“Dunno is not a word. Consider using ‘don’t know’ instead,” tweeted @grammar_expert.
“You should post a status update. What you are going to do today?” a Facebook Fan asked.
“I’m going to eat some clover, then cross the field, sit by the river, and look for a mate. It’s a simple life, really, but I wouldn’t trade it for…” @groundhog suddenly felt his voice go silent even though he was still speaking. (Unfortunately, his tweet had been truncated at the 140 character limit.)
“That’s boring.” @business_diva retorted. “I am going to ‘unfollow’ you. She pressed a button on her phone and left.
“‘Unfollow’ is not a real word… Is it?” @groundhog asked defensively.
“Of course it is!” tweeted @grammar_expert. “We can ‘unfriend’ you, ‘unfollow’ you and ‘unlike’ your posts anytime we like. We have the power to erase you completely from our social media world.
“Go ahead,” said @groundhog. “I like it better here in the garden.”
A camera flashed in @groundhog’s face.
“Oh no. I think we’ve got the wrong groundhog here,” tweeted @socialmediaguru. “This guy sure doesn’t act like a go-to expert in social media marketing. We’ve come to the wrong place.”
“Wrong place? Oh come on. We were all following you here @socialmediaguru. What did you do… forget your GPS? Were you texting while driving?” tweeted @social_nightmare. “Did you at least check a map?”
“What’s a map,” asked @socialmediaguru.
“Never mind.” tweeted @social_nightmare. “It’s something from the past.”
@groundhog was sick and tired of the bickering. He snarled, baring his gigantic, razor-sharp, almost pearly-white teeth. His lips dripped with foul-smelling saliva.
The smaller crowd stepped backward to avoid the stench.
“You’re rude @groundhog.” the last woman yelled. “I’m going to tag you in an unflattering Facebook picture.” She walked away clumsily, her heels sinking in some muddy patches along the way.
“This pesky varmint’s profile picture barely even looks like him. Probably photoshopped!” said another.
“What a waste of time, ” tweeted @socialmediaguru. ”Time is precious. Don’t waste it on groundhogs.”
Soon there was one man left who stood flashing his camera repeatedly in @groundhog’s face.
“Why are you still here?” @groundhog muttered. “You should go with the others. I’ve made a fool of myself as you can see. I’m not social. I’m not even friendly.”
“That’s fine with me. I’m not here to be social. I’m a paparazzi,” the man said with a grin.
@groundhog rolled his eyes, giving the paparazzi the perfect photo to use in the tabloids.
Exhausted from his failed attempts to connect with others that day, @groundhog returned to his burrow and slept for six more weeks, comforted by the cold dirt and darkness that surrounded him.